I used to think I knew it all (yes mom, nod your head). My aunt used to tell me you change the most between age 18 and 25 and I remember laughing at that comment because I KNEW IT ALL. That was until I lived through my 22nd year and found out that:
- there’s a lot of risks you can take in life; view them as opportunities
- you must listen to your heart
- don’t settle
- adventure, be curious and do what you want while you still can
- being alone is scary when you haven’t been for a while
At this point, I’m navigating adulthood, living away from home and no longer with a bunch of college girls who approve of all of my silly decisions.
“I find a cause and embrace the effect. I’m the one living this life and there’s no room to point fingers elsewhere.”
I believe having the ability to stand back and take a look at life helps with this process. Let’s face it, some people can’t see their hand if they waved it in front of their own face – a bit of a metaphor, but you get it.
The big leap
In August 2017 I met someone by accident and he changed my life in so many ways.
This wasn’t in the plan. The plan I had when I was 17 with a promise ring heading off to college six hours from home. The plan I had when I was 21 moving out of my college apartment and into an (overpriced) one bedroom with the man I thought I’d marry. Once the lease was up and we moved into the second place, my body moved in and my mind moved out. Again, something I wouldn’t realize until I stepped out of the relationship and looked back at the past few years.
Writing helped with this realization. I’m currently editing roughly 100 pieces to publish my first poetry book. A lot of the poems were written during a time of angst or after a night of drinking-turned to fighting. I was actually writing to myself about getting out of the relationship. It’s clear to me now, why wasn’t it then?
I used to think that toxic relationships were such as those seen in the movies; a girl is abused by her controlling husband and can’t leave because he’ll hurt her if she tries. That wasn’t my situation at any point in the five-year relationship, so I accepted all the bad as “It’ll change eventually.” Even AFTER I told acquaintances about my relationship and they said “Don’t settle, you’re too young,” I didn’t believe them. I believed them after I believed in myself… to take a leap.
Taking a leap used to mean “take the test without studying,” or “skip class.” It never corresponded with a life change. All that I knew from 17 to 22 was going to school and being with a steady boyfriend. Change is terrifying and so is confrontation and truly that were the only things I was afraid of. That alone told me the change was okay. I didn’t need other people to tell me what to do because it happened naturally to me.
Change and love
Well, I’m happy, healthy, breathing and the world didn’t end.
Everything happens for a reason. As corny as it sounds, all of my puzzle pieces gravitated to its respective partners. I’m STILL waiting for a bird to shit on my head as some bad sign. But, I’ve never felt freer. My state of mind the past few years was the product of someone else’s insecurities. Breaking away did a lot for me. It changed the way I see people and see people in relationships (especially my friends). It changed the way I thought about love. There might just be a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Something you feel and something you do; something you say you feel and do because you feel pressured to do so.
I don’t regret my first love. I’m grateful for the things I learned. I wouldn’t have learned those things without my experiences in those five years. I’m not perfect and neither was he. It was just a chapter of life that needed to end.
One thing that was significant for me was becoming a Massachusetts resident. Not only was it silly expensive (new ID, registration, insurance, etc.) but it meant that I was staying and that I was making a home in the town I evolved in as a person. I used to HATE Massachusetts for a number of reasons; it’s not New York, no one in Western Mass. knows how to drive and they don’t sell beer in gas stations… you have to go to the packy (package store). In hindsight.. who cares about these things!? A new area is super cool to explore.. including its culture. What makes it cool? It’s new, different AND you get to be someone else in an area of strangers.
The other night at a small concert I took a second to recognize the faces in the room. I realized that four or five years ago I wouldn’t have been able to name off those faces, nor would I have left my dorm room to be social. I’m better because I work at a job that makes me get involved in the community (something I put in my application). I’m better because I appreciate the physical land and people that I’m surrounded by every day. I’m better because the person I’m with now is well known in the community and also appreciates this town; I appreciate that.
Right around the time I ended things with my boyfriend, my neighbor went through relationship issues. As she later started talking to other men, she said: “I’m established, I don’t need these little boys.” At the time I chuckled because of how sarcastic she is. Now, I catch myself acting immature and feeling vulnerable and thinking about what she said. I used to think I was ‘established’ or whatever that means in anyone’s eyes. In my position, I could seem established to a person younger than me. But, my neighbor seems much more established than I am and we’re more than 10 years apart. I see it as looking at a really old Facebook status that’s super embarrassing now, but it seemed logical at the time.
Overall, time changes and you realize things. It’s super hard to notice things at the moment, especially within yourself. When time slows down, or you slow down your mind, you get the time to reflect on moments. I feel super lucky to be able to have that capability, and sort of sad that others can’t see their hand in front of their face.
—
Here’s a poem:
#94
Things don’t quite make sense anymore.
Thoughts weave in and out
of my brain
so quickly
that my stomach can’t maintain
the space between
butterflies
and vomit.
Thinking about the next step
on the back porch
next to stenches of stale beer
on the ground below
and vibrant green leaves
that whirr in the summer wind.
Each morning it gets colder
And we’re one day from August.
I try to catch my breath
The sunset glow refreshes my brain
until I can sleep it off and return tomorrow.
Reality waves from the other side of the tracks
as I sleep into a new territory
the lullaby of something I never experiences
assisted by my wisdom.
I gaze out and into faces who might lend a
hand.
While I let go of the one I’ve held on to for
so long.
For what?
New territory
a tight chest
waiting to be let loose.